This is a fan-fiction that the kind Miriallia wrote for Kakine~
Thank you so muuuuuuuch!!! I love this fanfiction with all the heart, it's expression of Kakine's feelings and soul, I love it the most!!
Comment of the author:
I wrote this story because of my displeasure of Kakine's "return" in the light novels series. I tried to write an alternative way to welcome him again from his point of view. So the main plot could be "What if the old Teitoku would take the place of this new one?". The Story take place after NT7.
Was I really dead?
I still couldn't figure out what had happened. Was my body consumed by the evil... or was it simply me to be its reincarnation? Step by step, at the end I finally realized where I was heading to. Why couldn't I stop myself? Why should I prentend that everything was fine? No... that everything was fine to me ? I underwent so many experiments on my skin and on my organs that I arrived nearly to the point of going insane. The only thing that allowed me to go on was that thought always directed to you.
There were no moments in which I didn't suffer of agonizing pain and, at the same time, I thought of how much I would like to have you in my own hands. How much I wanted to hurt you. How much I wanted to show you my improvements. And how much I hated you.
We were the same: we both started from a similar starting point, you were on one side, I was on the other one. But our goal was different. You gained your humanity, became a different person or it would be better to say that you became someone else. I was left behind, devoured by the pain and the hatred that grew always more inside of me.
It always hurt more and more.
I often tried to let the others understand that my climate couldn't be compared to a lake full of crystalline water, that my mind was unstable, that there was something wrong. But then I asked myself Why there's nobody who cares to know which are my reasons? and I understood it all. Never, not even once, nor one of my former SCHOOL companions neither you, my bitter enemy, ever arrived at that question. Inside of me I hoped that someone would stretch out his hand? That he could help me? No. The truth was that even if I hoped it could happen, at the end I realized how much it could be wrong. I had the proof since a very distant time, and after that, there weren't other things that could change my point of view.
Hatred. Hatred. Hatred. Anger. Sadness. Insanity. Hatred.
Who knows, maybe I proved them only towards myself and not against the others, but that's rather uncertain.
Now I don't know anymore if I'm dead or not. This part of me, the true part of me, was so ugly to be set aside and left the place to an idiot that lives inside the body of a white beetle in place of me? It makes me laugh. Me, Kakine Teitoku, Gakuen Toshi's #2 Level 5, cornered not only by Accelerator and Mugino Shizuri, but even by my disconnected personality.
I want to be me .
If everything I missed was really someone to protect, then why isn't me the one to be there with that brat? Why did he took my place? If I could turn on the light in this dark place where I am and look at myself, would I be a little monster too? It wouldn't matter to me, but it won't be the same of when... when... When that time Accelerator told me those important words.
" If you wish to leave some evidence behind, I will make a mark for you. "
For me? Was it really like this? Why should you make a mark for me, the person that got in your way more than everyone else? That hasn't only tried to kidnap Last Order and use her as decoy, but that has even hurted Yomikawa? That tried to screw up your mind and your feelings using and manipulating those clones as he wanted? The thing that distinguish us is this, in other words, the fact that I can't still be self-confident with the others. But I'm sure of one thing. I am the true Kakine Teitoku. There are no beetles or fakes to consider. The one that now should be there to live a decorous life it's me, not that thing, a mere part of Dark Matter, a subordinate of mine. This is the thing that piss me off more than everything else. And I can't wait this personality to have the time to reincanate in a random body made of Dark Matter. I have to be the only one.
Suddendly I couldn't understand what was happening to me. I felt my body shuddering and my eyes were like burning. The emptiness inside of me became always blurrier, as long as I was reached by a voice.
"Are you listening to me?"
In front of my face there was a girl with long and fluffy blonde hair. In someway I remembered about her, or maybe I only identified her.
Noticing my lightly confused gaze, she moved a hand before my eyes.
"Are you essentially sleeping? For me that's already a problem... Nyah."
(Studying?) I thought to myself.
"What do you mean, brat?" I said.
"I'm not a brat, I'm mature already, and I even wear a bra- Nyah?! You weren't listening to me?!"
I shook my head still a bit vacant.
"What a pain... I was saying that the problem is not the math problem itself! Why can't my schoolmates understand that Santa exists, nyah?"
"Eh?" I looked at her with arrogance in my eyes and I added with derision. "Maybe the problem is that's true that Santa doesn't ex..." I stopped myself for a bit, then I realized something. I was in front of Fremea Seibern, Frenda's sister. But a moment ago I was dead, in a pitch dark place waiting to insert my personality in a piece of Dark Matter in order to revive. What was I doing there? I watched my hands. They were totally white, as the rest of the clothes. I was totally made of Dark Matter.
"Nyah?! What's wrong? I know that you essentially agree with me!"
"It's not that!" I grabbed her shoulders without hurting her. "I... How long I'm here? I mean... when I arrived..." there were a book, a notebook, a pen, a pencil and an ereaser on the table. Near the book there was a glass full of water, that probably belonged to the girl.
"...When had we started to study? I can't remember..." I turned around my eyes. "Insted of talking about bullsh... of rubbi... of Santa, you should study."
She looked at me with a surly gaze.
"You're always with me, nya. But in this way you menage better to help me with numbers." she reached out a hand toward the operations in her book. "Like this, nyah."
(So that idiot made a human body to help her with the homeworks? Unbelievable. It seems... a nanny.)
"Listen to me... if you don't want to study, we'll see each other later. At the end, you know where to find me, and..." What else could I made up? I started to look around to see if there was a way of escape. I located the door very soon and I thought I menaged to have it made. "I'll go to buy something tasty, wait for me!" I stood up in a hurry, leaving the big pillow we were seated in and I dash off, stepping out of that door.
"Nyaaaah! Where are you gooooooing?"
Those were her last words.
Once I stepped out of that dormitory, I headed for the main street. Everything was like it used to be, nothing had changed since that fight with the #1 and the #4, even if it wasn't the same place, the city was always the same. At a certain point, I spotted something familiar. Far too familiar. A white head, a very slender silhouette that was still standing only because of his modern cane. He walked along the street with a shopping bag. But what was he doing in a place like this? And if it would be... destiny?
"No, no, no. I can think of everything but that between us there could be something called destiny." I muttered to myself. "This thing is annoying me, but still..."
(Who knows what's going on between us...)
I looked myself in the mirror.
(The matter is that now I'm different and not only physically. I don't care to be a friend of his. I just want to... know which could be the mark he would leave for me. I'll pretend to have Rhinoceros Beetle's strange personality, anyone will notice about that.)
I slowly went near Accelerator, then I speeded up until I arrived alongside of him.
"Hey." I said with a tone that was a mix between "what am I saying?" and "why have I done something like this?".
Accelerator didn't even turn his face toward me.
"Aaah? It is you." he looked around realizing that Fremea's dorm should be nearby.
I didn't know what to say. How should I start a dialogue with the person who cut me to pieces and then killed me acting like nothing happened?
We didn't speak a single word.
(This is not good... At the end...)
I suddenly stopped myself and made some steps forward in order to arrive in front of Accelerator.
"I have to talk to you."
"I've got nothing to say."
I looked away, but right after I came back to my old self, staring at Accelerator's eyes. My gaze was serious and determined, I was ready for anything in order to know where could arrive the person who told those words to me. I didn't care if they were told for compassion, pity or something else, I wanted to know .
"Dammit, listen to me! I don't ask for a hour, just an answer is fine!"
I lost patience by then. I've never been a calm person, but trying to act in a different way was extremely difficult, so I smiled in a sadistic way.
"Aaah, I should have understood that you don't want to waste your precious time that can be spent with your beloved loli, but be patient."
"..." Accelerator frowned at me. He later put himself aside and continued along his way.
I couldn't stand there and watch him going away. I clenched my fists and run after him, grabbing his shoulder.
"Dammit! You're pissing me off!"
Accelerator raised his eyebrows.
He couldn't believe his ears. From what he knew, Rhinoceros Beetle 05 never cursed even once in its life. Indeed, it hasn't smiled in a sadistic way. And its voice didn't sound like and arrogant one. It wasn't harassing and above all, it hasn't talked with him even once.
"...It can't be."
"Instead, it is like this! Even if the body is always the same, it is me! I'm back to be myself, THE REAL KAKINE TEITOKU!"
"How touching." said Accelerator selflessly. "I'll listen, what do you want to know?"
"That time... the last time in which we saw each other. You told me that you would make a mark for me, something that would allow someone like me to be remembered by the livings once I was dead. Why?"
Those were words of anguish, fear and the worry of being rejected again. I would surely solved it all with a "at the end it doesn't matter, deep in my heart I hoped so, but I knew it would end like this" and I would go on.
"I haven't done anything."
I looked at him with a slight look of puzzlement.
"What does it mean that you haven't done anything?"
"What I said. Are you deaf or what?"
(So he lied? Those last words were nothing but lies?)
Accelerator annoyed tone continued to be heard.
"Don't think that I changed my mind about you. Despite time passing by, we always remain evil... Some pathetic evil ones. And nothing will never change this reality." that was the single moment in which he looked straight into my eyes. "Neither me, nor you. It's because of this that the only thing we can do is going on."
"What do you want to say?! I can't understand what you're talking about!"
"There's nothing left to understand." Accelerator continued to go along the way he left a moment ago laying on his modern cane. "What happened can't be changed and the mark you left in my heart will always remain unforgettable. As it was for me, there are other people, all the ones you knew that will remember about you. Kakine Teitoku, even if it is miserable to say, you were much useful for different kind of experiments, in your opinion, those shitty men won't call perpetually your name even in the future?" he hinted at a laugh, then he remained silent for a moment. "Instead of cherishing the dream that someone can make a mark for you, why don't you make something for yourself in order to make it happen?"
"You have a life ahead of you. If you menage to keep this fucking personality for a long period, who knows... maybe you could improve." he added while still walking. "Nobody will ever imagine that you will change yourself all over, but they will make castle in the sky about what should happen if... as it was for me. I know that it's difficult to admit, but your own power gave you a new life. You have the possibility to protect someone and the one to get your own back. Wasn't it what you were looking for?" Accelerator stopped and lifted his face up looking at the sky. "I think that Yomikawa would be happy to see that you moved a step forward her. Maybe you could come home and say hi now and again." he said in a whisper while going away.
I didn't have any word left to say. I thought he couldn't understand, I thought he wouldn't listen to my reasons, I thought he didn't care about me anymore and yet...
The truth was hidden behind his silence.
"He understood the reason why this personality of mine couldn't be complete, why it couldn't feel useful..." I shook my head.
The person that I hated and tortured the most opened my eyes in order to let me see a little hope for the future; the one that would allow me to keep my sanity and not to go insane as it happened a lot of times during the past.
"I want to go on and live as myself, as the real Kakine Teitoku."